Forgiveness

Photo by Asaf Einy
Forgiveness is a difficult topic. On one hand, we feel that we have learned to forgive. On the other hand, we find ourselves resisting when we actually try to forgive someone.  Implementing forgiveness into our lives is a process.
Sometimes, things work in mysterious ways. Almost a year ago, I took a workshop on forgiveness. Some days, I would feel that I had learned how to forgive, and other days I felt that I had failed. The following is a story of a casual encounter with a stranger that reminded me of all that I have learned about forgiveness.
The other day I was walking my dog and, as I always do, I gave him a little water from the hose in front of someone’s house. I don’t know the owner of the house well. I met him once and I never asked him if I could do this. I always turn the hose off tightly and roll it back up leaving it exactly the way it was when I found it.
On this particular day, a woman I had never seen said to me, “What are you doing? Do you live there? Why are you using that hose?” I quickly retorted that I left it just the way it was and I wasn’t causing any harm to the hose or the homeowner. She told me I had no right to use the hose and gave me a dirty look and walked away.
I was so annoyed by this event. It spoiled my walk because I felt I had done nothing wrong and it wasn’t any of her business.
I even followed behind her as she kept walking away. But, then I started thinking about this workshop I had taken last April about forgiveness. There were two main points that stuck in my head: you don’t know what the other person is going through and if you hold anger, it takes away from your own joy. It is not just for the other person that you forgive, but for yourself, so you don’t waste your life angry with someone or continue to hold a grudge.
Now, obviously, this was on a much smaller scale than those heart wrenching times where we need to forgive someone in our life and it causes us great pain, but I decided to try the mode of thought recommended in this forgiveness workshop.
I thought maybe this woman is right. If she lives in this neighborhood, she could be protecting a neighbor of hers. I thought maybe she is having a bad day. And, then, I thought I don’t want to lose the joy that I have walking my dog on this beautiful day. I am going to let this go.
The next thing I knew, she was walking towards me and I thought now I am in trouble. Instead she said, “I am sorry. Giving your dog water is not a big deal. It’s just that I am on the landscaping committee of this housing area and so many people who don’t live here don’t clean up after their dogs and I am at a loss to figure out why they can’t be more responsible. It really aggravates me”.
I had already calmed down and told her I had been rethinking things and I was sorry. She had every right to watch out for her neighbors and she had no idea if I would take care of the hose or leave it running and cause problems. In addition, I didn’t live there.
She introduced herself with a smile and I did the same. It was the strangest experience as this is not normally how I handle things or how they work out. Most of the time, I can be a real bitch.
I bring this up in a long winded way because I think the most important thing you can do in 2011 is forgive someone who you feel has wronged or hurt you.
Not all of us, but most of us have experienced pain from a relationship with a friend or family member or someone with whom we work.
The memories of the pain or even continuing meetings with someone sit deep in our souls and eat away at us.
We don’t want to forgive because it feels like forgetting the wrong and we feel like the other person’s behavior doesn’t deserve to be condoned.
The workshop I took was called, “Forgive for Good” by Dr. Fred Luskin. Dr. Luskin teaches at Stanford and this is also the name of his book that I highly recommend to you.
In many ways, I think this workshop was life changing for me and I am still working on incorporating the concept into my life.
Dr. Luskin validates your right to feel hurt. He is not in anyway saying to ignore it. What he says is that dwelling on the hurt is taking away from your quality of life and damaging your health.
There had been someone in my life over the last few years who, although they had been a dear friend in the past, had betrayed and disrespected our friendship. As Fred says, “Forgiveness is making peace with the word No“.
That was the problem for me. I didn’t want to hear “no”. I was angry and I blamed this person, but in the end, I have come to realize that the way I was handling my hurt and anger was really preventing me from truly enjoying my life and moving forward.
And, if I was honest with myself, I would know that there were other issues going on in the other person’s life and it was not all about the problem in our friendship. Outside factors were affecting their behavior and probably mine.
This post is long today because 2011 is in its infancy and all things are possible, even changing our attitudes.
The “Forgive for Good” workshop inspired me to move on from hurt and blame. Forgiving was more for me to make a better life and not so much to absolve the other person of what I perceived to be their wrongdoing. It wasn’t about letting the other person off the hook and forgetting what they had done.
One of the 9 Steps of Forgiveness that is found on Dr. Luskin’s website is the following:
“Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their actions. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the peace and understanding that comes from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”
Finding peace is the key and I found “Forgive for Good” to be incredibly helpful in this process.
I wish you all the ability to find peace in the New Year and I hope part of that process will be forgiving for good.

Dreams Come True: Story of Audacity

What are your dreams? What are you passionate about?
Around the time I graduated University I became fascinatedwith photography. It became my first passion. I dreamed of becoming a professional photographer.
I loved photography, and dove in head first determined to make my dreams come true. I read books, took countless images, invested in equipments, spent countless hours in Photoshop, attended gallery showings, and took classes on specialized subjects.
I loved photography so much that –at one point- I built a darkroom from scratch, rented a large loft space to have my ideal studio setup and eventually married a photographer – who I admired, because he was so confident with his craft and was among the few successful working photographers I’d met. Most other photographers I encountered all struggled to make ends meet.

The thing I loved about photography was that it gave me a tool with which to express myself emotionally, to do something from the heart, to capture moments of truth -powerful enough to bring me to tears. It increased my capacity to feel, and heightened my awareness and ability to connect with other people.
Some of the most blissful, spiritual, loving, heart-felt moments I’ve ever experienced, happened in the dark room, under the amber lights, by myself, as I witness an image come to life in the developer.
I wanted to share that with you, because it is a big part of where I came from, and my foundation for writing. Actually, I stopped taking pictures, after accidentally discovering that the same creative, powerful, spiritual experiences can be evoked through writing – as I do here (which is my other dream come true story).
I also wanted to share that with you, because I want to tell you what I learned through my experiences of going from amateur to semi-pro in the photography world in a short span of time.
I learned these things in making my photography dream a reality:

1. People will have confidence in you if you have confidence in yourself.
2. Persistence pays off.
3. Practice makes you better
4. You don’t need a formal education or years of experience to make it. Passion is more important.
5. It’s mostly about how you view yourself – that’s how the world will perceive you.
6. Re: Confidence. Fake it till you make it.
7. Audacity is important

I just want to spend a moment on Audacity, and the importance of it in seeing our dreams come true.
When you are trying to make it in any industry as a newbie, having the guts to approach people you don’t know –despite fear and insecurities- is probably your fastest route to success in that industry.
When I started pursuing photography. I didn’t have much technical knowledge, I didn’t have the experience, I didn’t have the pro cameras, I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was a computer geek, who had a burning desire to photograph people.
My dream was to capture images that moved people, to capture a moment of truth, and to have my photos published. I knew it was going to happen, someday, but I didn’t know how. In the mean time, I did everything I could to get my self closer to my dream vision.
When Anthony Bourdain visited Seattle on a book/talk tour, I walked up to him and asked him if I could have 10 minutes of his time. And to my surprise, he said yes. Here’s the photo I took from that day:

I did the same with Douglas Coupland. Here’s his photo:

I did the same with Russell Simmons, but the room was too dark, and the photo didn’t come out.
Right after one of Joshua Roman’s concerts, I ran up on stage and asked if I could take his portrait sometime. I gave him my card and thanked him for considering it. I was so nervous, all I remember is my heart beating loudly, and feeling insecure as others watched me from off stage.
He showed up in my studio a few days later, we jammed it out and got some great photos. We became good friends. My husband and I ended up doing Josh’s publicity photos since 2007. And most recently, he hired me to document his wedding, knowing that I’d never done a wedding before. He trusted me more than I trusted myself.
Here are some photos with Joshua from our earlier sessions:

My goal at the time was to be published, and be taken seriously. And I was able to do that within my first year of shooting. The photos of Joshua were later published by over 50 publications and media outlets – they’ve been on the cover of magazines, used in newspapers, promotional materials and graced the center of concert posters.
One of my Tibet travel photos was published in the book “The Best of Photography 2007”. And an image from my Nepal collection was sold and published by the San Francisco Chronicles.
When you believe strongly in something, or some *seemingly* impossible dream, just go after it, and trust that it will become a reality soon. Your faith in yourself and your craft is vital.
Do everything you can now to get one step closer to your dream. Do it despite fear. Do it despite insecurities. Do it despite no one else believing in you. Do it despite a lack of education or experience. Do it despite not knowing how-to. Just start with baby steps.
When we follow our hearts, magic happens.
Do it, even if sometimes following our hearts mean doing uncomfortable things like walking up to strangers, or saying things that might make us look stupid, or potentially getting caught with our “pants down” for not knowing what we’re doing. We all have those insecurities.
From years of developing a thick skin and doing things that scared me, I do know one thing to be true: when you sincerely take steps towards your goal, regardless of what that goal is, the universe will reward you in unexpected ways which will propel you to surpass your original goal and to reach your dreams.
The trick is to keep going, despite not knowing exactly how we will arrive there, and despite all of these mental tricks we play on ourselves.
The only thing we know right now is the next baby step we can take. Don’t trivialize or demoralize the power of baby steps. It’s important.
It’s important, because baby steps in the direction of our dreams, can mean that we eventually get there. And along the road, someone may surprise us and give us a ride in their car, allowing us to get there faster than anticipated.
People tend to give too much credit to luck, and natural talent. And then we judge ourselves for lacking talent and luck, thus, justifying our lack of action and lack of focus.
I love the saying that luck is the intersection between preparation and opportunity. It truly is. Luck is certainly most kind to those who have actively taken large steps towards their desired destination.